Lonely Man

Lonely Man

I was twenty one years old and was married just under a year, on reflection I had got married to get out of the family home, my father was a hard working man, but was; what I now know to be a functioning alcoholic and on many occasions very violent towards my mum, brothers and sisters.

My wife was a lovely girl, she had no idea how damaged I was, neither did I, by this time I had developed a major problem with alcohol, and on a few occasions smoked dope, but thankfully the drug scene was not for me, YET.

Alcohol became the most important thing in my life at that time, this I would have said was insane, I was not addicted to alcohol, my problem was I did not know truly what addiction was, and how powerful it was, how it had consumed my life at such an early age.

I thought I was a good husband, son, brother, uncle, I did not know that darkness was creeping up on me I was getting depressed, I did not identify this emotion, this was also part of my problem, I could not identify most emotions other that anger, self pity, fear.

I learned when it was to late, that I was not as good a husband as I thought, how could I be; my mentor was an alcoholic that was most of the time, off his head with anger, resentment and jealousy, that was my father, this is what I was brought up with, this is what I new, my mother did not deserve this way of life, she never drank herself, she came from a good family, and worked hard for her children, but addiction does not discriminate it does not care who it hurts, it is the great taker, it takes every thing from you.

My marriage ended after one year, not because my wife left, but because I made her leave, she was interfering in my drinking, I could not drink the way I wanted to, I wanted to be married but have the single life at the same time, I was not a womaniser but alcohol was a better friend than my wife, now that’s how powerful addiction is, you may say this was cruel and you may be right, but the pain I was suffering, emotional pain that I could not understand or control was immense, agony pure agony I loved this girl but my lifestyle was tearing us apart.

After she went back to her parents home, I thought this is the life, I have a no one to dictate to me how I lived and how I behaved, I was free; this was an elution that alcohol had created in my mind, that I could party when I wanted, do what I wanted, no one to answer to.

After six/eight weeks of this freedom, I found myself at parties were there could be fifty people at them, plenty music and drink? Yet I was lonely very lonely, insecure and the darkness was coming closer and closer, I contacted my wife to see if she would come back, she refused, my future just got even darker, here we go an other emotion on top of all the others, FAILURE.

This failure never just happened out of the marriage, there was countless other situations in my past were I made the wrong decisions, but I thought I was in control, I lost control because I did not know how to share a problem with an other human being, it was not the man thing to do, admit you had problems especially within the marriage.

I could see no way out, I was an emotional cripple and did not know it, the more I thought about my position the more I drank, the more I drank the more depressed I was getting, the darkness was over me now and I just wanted the pain to go away, I was causing to many problems all around me, my family and friends, I was ashamed for myself and could not see life getting better, who could I turn to, who would listen.

Suicide was not on my mind that day; I was out with the boys at the pub having a good time, as the song says hiding behind the smile and painting the town, and yes this clown was crying all the while, deep sadness engulfed me when I got home to my mothers house, she did not deserve an other maniac in her life, she deserved some peace in life, at a moments notice the decision was made in my head to end it all, before I new what was happening I had swallowed all my mothers medication around one hundred plus tablets.

I woke up some two days later in the local hospital, both my parents at the bedside, seemingly they got sixty two whole tablets out of my body, and they don’t know how many dissolved as I had cleaned the cupboard out of all her medication, they say I was a lucky man to be alive, I had damaged some organs in my body with the amount of medication I took, and it would be some time before I would mend properly.

I new moments after I swallowed all the pills that I did not want to die, but I had taken to much drink and there was no turning back, I was very weak and had no strength left in me, as it turned out my father or brother found me and called an ambulance, this was the third and last attempt at suicide.

I have learned that there is nothing, or no one in this world worth me taking my own life it is not mine to take, only when I got to the point of no return did this become clear to me, I thank the good Lord above for allowing me time to understand me, and hopefully be able to help some one else avoid this type of situation.

For me I eventually stopped drinking through AA, there I learned I was not alone, I don’t take any mind altering substances what so ever, that marriage ended after that, I was deeply saddened because she did not deserve some one like me, and I did not set out to hurt anyone in life.

All I can say is the meaning of the word love was not the type of education I learned in my home when we were growing up, survival was an instinct that became very strong in me, yet I tried to end it all, I could not cope with the emotional pain in my life, or so I thought.

No matter what comes your way, Financial, Emotional, Physical, Spiritual, or Mentally you will be able to cope, just reach out for help, all the numbers are in your local directory in all countries. Pick up the phone, you do not have to go down the road I walked, I was lucky, suicide may be on your mind, you are not responsible for your thoughts, but you are responsible for your actions. WALK TALL.